When He Wont Say Yes: A Workbook for women in stalled relationships who want to move on to marriage.

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Food for thought — seems I still need to work it out! Thank you for your reply. I actually continued thinking about it and realised that I believe that I will never be in a good relationship which also explains my lack of interest in dating. In fact, it feels an impossibility. I am in therapy and will bring this up. Thank you for your thought-provoking post. I had not put my lack of fulfillment down to anything to do with relationships, believing it was down to being held back in my career, as I did not believe relatinoships to be important.

Yes, and most importantly, your relationship with yourself. OR, go to couples counseling and revitalize your current relationship. Hi everyone Just wanting a bit of advice. I am 22 and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, but sadly I have fallen out of love with him. He has anger issues and deals with anger by smashing things and shouting and screaming, although he has never been violent to me, I am scared to try and stop him or even defend myself in an argument because he ends up ruining our things. I have wanted to leave him so many times but he currently lives with me and my mum and has refused to go.

Sounds like codependence — caring more about his problems than yours and living with intimidation. Throwing things IS violence. My parents have been married over 40 years. They have been and are still fighting. The problem is that they have fights that are 40 years old. There is no way to go back and change things were said and done then. They are both angry. Neither wants to change or will at this point, they are in their 60s.

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We as their children cannot just walk away but need some solutions. Also, go to an CoDA meetings. Also, go to CoDA meetings. A one night stand turned into 9 months which is now an 8 month old bby. The feeling I get from this relationship is, I care times more than she does, but she denies that. The reason likely goes to not feeling worthy of love and difficulty receiving. The cause is shame. He had a long term affair. Was caught in , but he continued. He told me in that he wanted out. The problem, his 86 year old mother lives with us and he really thought he was going to divorce me and have me stay at the house and take care of his mom, while he ran off with gf.

Found out that he was still seeing her…she called me. I love him. We have 3 grown children and have created a life. I agreed to marry him still engaged been 3 years almost now. I feel unhappy most of the time and ask myself y I have done this to myself. I feel like no getting out as he is becoming a resident of my country.

Marrying out of guilt and fear is not a good idea. Start talking about your fears and shame and do the exercises in my books to overcome codependency. You need the help of a counselor to extricate yourself. No one is in my life after marriage but she is not getting. You need to have marriage counseling with your wife to restore trust and learn why she distrusts men. Thanks for your prompt reply.

But we are in india and belong to middle class family here marriage is most important once i trapped so I have to survive till last. Problem is i am moderate and she belongs to village family,Whenever we go to party or get together with family or relatives and when she saw me to talk with any other girls definite she will fight me that day why i talked with any othergirl or women. One more thingh i would lik to tell you i talked these all to my family and her family also. Waiting for your reply or best suggestion.

The only way around this is to turn the table around accuse your wife of looking at other men. Treat her how she treats you. I know there are marriage counselors in India. There is not a simple solution and I cannot give you advice on that. Please read the introduction to my blog and my page about marriage counseling.

Counselors do not tell you what to do. They help you get clarity and courage to do what you want. Go to some online CoDA. I had to convince him to marry me after 7 if he and his sons were to live with me. I used to be a free spirit but now I am isolated, have no friends and am at odds with my family. These are not his fault but mine.

I am disabled and he is the payee for my money. I want to leave but have no one. The only way out that I can see is when I die. He hardly works and is home constantly, which is stressful and brings money trouble. Any Suggestions?

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Still here in the land of misery. It is all just me and my fault. Am I wrong to cut my losses and get back to my family that love me? Feedback welcome! Thanks for listening. Living with abuse will undermine your self-esteem. My name is shivanie jinny from USA My husband and I were happy as far as I could tell and I never thought that we would have a divorce. When his cousin died in a tragic car accident he went back to Philippine for a week to be with his family at home. I could not go because I was in the middle of entertaining out of town clients for work. He did not seem to be upset that I could not go so I let him be.

The next thing that I know, he reconnected with an old friend from high school that he had a crush on years ago and they started to have an affair! I had no clue what was going on until a month after he came back from Philippine. I was with my bf for 9yrs. Seeing him or talking to him annoys me. So, if he is dying I can say I was there for him without his death on my conscious. Read my books and blogs on Overcoming Guilt and Personal Boundaries.

Hi Darlene, I am not in love with husband of 10 years. I found out 8 months ago and was suicidal — I have mood disorder. I am on road to recovery and becoming independent but still with him. I fear he may married me for parents money. I want out but am scared of finances. Thanks for support. She got pregnant very soon after we met 10 years ago. She is emotionally detached and I started an affair last year. Since she found out about the affair she wants us to work on the marriage.

We did counseling together and separately. She wants me to leave my partner to be with her. It seems your choices are clear. You need to decide if your priority is your child or your girlfriend. Consider also working on your issues of depression, commitment and intimacy. The self-healing exercises in Conquering Shame and Codependency would be helpful and see my blog on Rebuilding Trust. I have been married for 16 years. We have 3 children ages 10, 8, and 4. My husband cheated on me twice that I know of. Needless to say its been a difficult time for me.

I am desperately afraid to divorce him because I am from a divorced family and I know how it is, I swore id never put my kids through that. I feel that my decision to have children trumps my happiness in that I am responsible for their well being, if I choose to leave I jeapordize their childhood. Idk what to do. Your best bet is to work on the relationship.

He may be a sex addict. Also see my blog on Rebuilding Trust. I want desperately to leave my husband. Will social service grant immediate help? Attend CoDA meetings. There are also some online. Do the exercises in my book, Codependency for Dummies , and start to take your power back.

I am 24 years old.. Your need some assertiveness skills and may be in a codependent relationship. Hi I am 21 and my boyfriend is This would be our 5th year together. I see pass the years gotten we did increase arguments and feel hate. But on the other hand we feel like were in love.

Last week I laft out with some friends an came home the next day and he busted out with anger. I asked him to do stuff he dose it but barley. My heart is with fear every moment. Moreover, I doubt you made those promises when he was verbally abusive. I have been married for 21 years and have thought about leaving my husband for the last I tried twice to move in with my parents, but the guilt of leaving my girls with him was overwhelming.

I have been in a long-term affair which has made me aware of the co-dependent state of my marriage as well as the fact that I have been mentally abused and manipulated during my marriage. I think the guilt I feel for having a relationship outside of my marriage makes me stay. We have slept apart for yrs. How do I move beyond guilt and get strength to leave? You need to do therapy to heal the past trauma and begin to forgive yourself with learning self-compassion. You also need support if you plan to leave and learn to stand up to abuse. Join a CoDA group in addiction to individual counseling.

Do the exercises in my books, Codependency for Dummies, 2nd Ed. I got married young. So when she came along and proved me wrong I latched on as hard as I could. Now I am stuck with the awful curiosity of wondering if the grass is greener as a bachelor and what that may entail, simply because I have not experienced it as a functional adult.

I have two step kids I love, but still feel like I was never ready to help raise. The thought of leaving and damaging them and her makes me sick. Think about your relationship. Do you love her? What does she do for you that you wont have anymore? Cleaning cooking someone to always talk to, friendship, loyalty, someone in your bed always.

My father was a shitty husband and father always feeling trapped. He knows what he lost when he lost his family and works twice as hard to have it with the 2nd wife, its not the same. I just got 21 years old. Studying my first year. I have been in a relationship since I was 16 and I was madly in love and could not even think of losing her. The last years I have more and more thought of other girls and all my possibilities.

Together with my gf I have evolved with better clothing and I am not at all afraid of talking to girls anymore: I do also know much of girls try to flirt with me and find me desirable. At the same time I know that my gf is still madly in love with me, she sees a future with me. I feel like the only way I could have the power to brake up with her would be if she cheated on me. You are too young to make a life commitment, and doing so would be unfair to your girlfriend, because you would come to resent her. Breaking up with love and kindness spares you both guilt and pain.

Meanwhile study my books on assertiveness and codependency. Hello again. I am now 22 years old. Almost 1 month ago I broke up with my gf. It took 1 year after my comment here until I finally managed to have the strength to break up with her. It was hard and perhaps the hardest decision I have ever done in my life. Life as a singel is good, especially at my age. The freedom is just what I wanted. I am living my life the way I want to live it. I can finally experience new things and see other girls. Firstly, amazing article! Thank you for writing this.

My husband however is having a harder time. The funny thing though is that I wanted to break up with him even before we got married but he spoke me out of it. Before marrying him I wanted an opportunity to live on my own but he convinced me that would not have been a smart thing to do. I have been married for 17 years, shortly after we had our son and than she was diagnosed with a chronic disease. This particular disease comes with chronic pain which in turns into pain management and pain killers. Shortly after that, regressed memories about abusive past.

What was a confident, trusting, loving relationship has deteriorated. When we talk, her passion and works do not match her actions. The deep love is there but what has emerged for her is fear, distrust and anxiety. I have never been unfaithful or give her any reason for doubt and go the extra mile to assure her. I am so lost, sad, frustrated and feeling trapped. Insist that you both go to counseling; if she refuses, then you go.

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She really needs individual work to heal her past. Leaving sometimes is not that simple. There could be money issues as well as issues of the heart. If I leave, I go back to a country in deep trouble with no savings, no income and no prospects. If I stay, I will study, I will work, I will build a life.

I love this man, but we simply do not get along. It is not one persons fault, we do not fit. Theresa, I am in the exact same situation. I found your site one day and kept reading and realized that i fit the description of codependent. My upbringing was one of a shaming father. I long for my independence I married someone 23 yrs my senior so now im married to a parent.

I want to be on my own so much some days that it hurts. We have no sex life. Very sad. Also i would love if you would address the ambivalence issue. I have a nice home etc but no passion. My husband has been mostly impotent since prostate surgery over 25 yrs ago. I realize i was too young to realize the implications of cthis to our marriage.

Do the exercises in my books and attend CoDA meetings. You need support to start living your life. Passion includes more than sex. You sound depressed. About 3 yrs ago my wife more or less gave up on the things that made our sex life incredibly exciting saying it was just too much trouble.

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Some sex continued so OK, I still love her. But frustrated to say the least. Zero love or affection, paying ALL bills including hers , and in my wee brain the only return is…. I love her deeply but I also feel I want to move on.

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And I honestly feel very guilty about that. We come to sites like this for answers. Working through a book can gelp. I know why people kill themselves. Therapy can take time and expertise to address deep issues of trauma, depression, codependency, and ambivalence. The goal is to help people find their own answers. I totally understand what you are saying my husband was diagnosed with a terminal condition over 23 years ago yet he is still alive.

Is there a middle-school vibe to his routines?

I was only 30 a young woman. He a young man also thirty. I grieved for the live we once had and stayed out of duty pity and for my kids. I honestly think he will out live me. He is extremely needy selfish and argumentative. Nothing like he was before all his health problems. I am miserable kids now grown. I could leave but I I feel bad for him. He will have to go to an assisted living if I leave. I am lonely he is no companion at all to me. Torn between going and staying. This is all true! I do not have my own income and depend on my husband for everything.

He has a drinking problem. I am at a loss what to do. You will find freedom, strength, and hope. Also be sure to do the exercises in Codependency for Dummies and see my blog on Living with an Addict. What he makes is barely enough to scrape along on as it is. Go to Al-Anon and read Codependency for Dummies to let go of his problems and set boundaries. I became chronically ill at the age of 20 and started my first proper relationship at the age of I was too ill to work and so fell immediately into a state of dependence upon her: financially, emotionally, and socially.

After 4 years we got married and had two gorgeous children whom we both adore and value above all else.

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At the age of 35, my illness began to improve. I began to work, make my own friends, and for the first time in fifteen years I had a social life. As I became more independent and autonomous, it began to put pressure on the marriage. I realised suddenly that I had been unhappy with the relationship since day 1. I have been married for 26 years. No abuse, alcohol or anything like that. I have just fallen out of love with my wife. We have children who are adults. I tried leaving — told her I wanted to separate because I needed some space to sort things out.

Left overnight-guilt brought me right back. Wife told me how selfish I was, etc. Was going to still support her as best I could. Marriages go stale when people stop communicating intimately and authentically. So as we become adults does this somehow magically change. No it does not. Most of us can have some codependent issues at times, and some all the time but if we are not responsible to how we effect and treat other people knowing that we can damage them emotionally or otherwise is a breeding ground for persistent narcissism.

And how can we not take things personally. Autonomy is not becoming an automaton. Relationships do suffer primarily due to selfishness amongst other issues and circumstances. Society is very different than even two generations ago, as social isolation has increased and subsequently shallowness and selfishness. Threatening suicide is a huge manipulation. Please tell me what can I do to be happy and positive about my relationship LDR. Slowly I began to just feel unhappy and lonely. Lately my partner has been so busy that I just feel so alone.

I also have no one to speak with other then just my family, his sibling, and him. Well I have been with my partner for 18 yrs. I am now 34 yrs old with 5 children. I am one who is scared to leave. I do have my own income, but I dont have anyone to watch my babies when they get out of school. Since he works nights its convenient. I need someone who is going to appreciate what I do for them and show me what I mean to them. Even a kiss without me having to ask for one is all I need.

I feel empty and useless. I am scared to leave, but I want to so bad. Information is power. Talk to a lawyer and examine your childcare options. Your partner can share custody and babysitting arrangements, too. While I do not have any advice for you that may assist in resolving your dilemma, I do understand.

The pain, embarrassment, and lack of self — worth are very familiar to me. Adding fuel to the fire of resentment and grief. Just know you are not alone. My best wishes for future.


May you and your children find happiness in your near future. Read Codependency for Dummies and get some individual counseling to help you set boundaries and build your self-esteem. On top of this, he has been out of work for 4 of those year but still receives pay. No one can make that decision for you, but you can insist on couples counseling, change your interactions with your partner, and build a happier life for yourself, which will all help you take action.

Get counseling if he refuses and attend CoDA meetings, and learn to communicate better and set boundaries with my books. I have a history of coodependant relationships. Its getting worse ive tried to become more independant, journal, understand but the erge to run is very great. I will like to share my testimony to you all. I just got married to my husband about a year ago we start having problems at home like we stop sleeping on the same bed,fighting about little things he always comes home late at night,drinking too much and sleeping with other women out side. I have never love any man in my life except him.

Feelings are met to be express anywhere because of human differences. My life is a good example of it. I have been in love with Justin for the past 2 years but i was a shame and afraid to express my feelings to him cos he was my boss at work. It comes to a time when he notice my behavior and he approach me telling me that he has longed had same feelings for me and we where together happily. The bad side of it is that his parents does not want us to come together as we are of different classes. He was forced to marry another girl of same classes and i was sacked my his mum. Al-Anon meetings can really help your marriage and self-esteem.

I want to be on my own so bad, I know in my gut that I need to be done with this relationship. How can I get myself seperated and divorced so that we can both move on in our lives? What you want is. You have a lot of a work to do before you can leave this relationship or make it into one you want to keep. We r 2 years together, 1. He stopped doin it but his rude behavior towards me continued by now. Hes not emotional, if i am or i cry because of him doin something stupid he wont care n says u can cry the whole year if u want.

Once i slapped him for lyin the whole day about online cheatin n i had evidences but he slaped me back. Hes too independent, he doesnt care to have conversation, always on internet, ignorin me, he dont like many emotional things, tha last 2 days we fight cuz he ignore me n tomorrow am leavin, am hurt. It sounds as if you are experiencing pressure based on your cultural norms. We can love ourselves AND love someone else. The former supports the latter. It allows us to love more. See my blog, on self-love.

Divorce and marriage have long term consequences, which you should consider. When you do something in conflict with your values or that harms others, you naturally will feel guilt. No one can make the decision for you, but you and your girlfriend will have to be ready to live with the consequences, some perhaps unforeseen, to your self-esteem and to others,. I suggest you do the exercises in my book, Freedom from Guilt. I married on very small age now I am 28 year and from starting I dont like that girl but my family and her family forcing me too much accept her and live together, All are very emotionally telling me for future and family relationship and reputation.

I am on very emotional stage now. I tried many time for accept that girl I cant I am completely not feeling with her and i feel like when I will leave this place. You need to get outside support. Read Codependency for Dummies and my books on self-esteem and assertiveness. I have read the article and I have finally found something I can relate to. I met my wife 24 years ago, we were very young. Children never came and we have been through many emotional episodes. I guess I am conditioned.

Paris said. Amatenstein said. There is so much that is going to change — and so much fear. Understand that you may find yourself paying bills or figuring out taxes for the first time in years. If there are children, who will take the lead in keeping track of their activities calendar? Understand that the problem may be you, not the particular marriage.

If you are bored in a relationship, you may find yourself bored in another one, too, said Erika Doukas, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Manhattan and Larchmont, N. If you quarrel with your spouse over whose relatives to visit during the holidays, the same conflict may reappear in a subsequent marriage. Doukas said spouses who were able to realize that they contribute to marital problems could sometimes change course and possibly save a relationship or, failing that, make a future one more long lasting. Have you made clear your concerns about the relationship?

For our own sanity. Particularly when ADHD is involved. So very sad. Jonathon, Oh my goodness, your response could not have come at a better time — after all this time. Very strange!! My Angels watching over me? I just spent a couple of days last week-end with this man it was meant to be five days. He had arranged a concert in the Church with his choir and I went to support him and stay with him.

However, after a couple of days, he got really angry with me for something I said and threw me out. He and his crazy female neighbour, who he regularly gets drunk with, then rang me the next evening. She lambasted me and verbally laid into me saying I was a jealous woman and why did I upset him like that? I put the phone down, but they kept ringing and ringing me all evening. He rang me yesterday evening, but I could not take the call, and when I rang back shortly after, he ignored the call.

I tried to ring just now this mornng, after a sleepless night wonderng what to do, but they have blocked my number on his phone and mobile. He has certainly come to a very critical point in his life now, it would seem. He drinks heavily, he has no money, and has taken out a loan. She controls him, but he seems to like that. He hangs on her every word, and goes to her for advice about me. Then, of course, she sets him against me, saying spiteful things and telling lies — both about me and also to me about him.

However, I know they do not sleep together, but how long will it be before they do? Certainly in the past, before I came on the scene, she would crash out on his bed, fully clothed, after a long boozing session, when they were both paralytic. She has an even crazier alcoholic sister who is at the moment in prison for stabbing her boyfriend. She used to come round regularly and drink with my man, and one Saturday evening he gave her his credit card to buy some food as she said she would cook for him on the Sunday. Of course, she did not buy the food or cook for him — she used the card to buy booze.

It is crazy. He did want me to go to see him last week-end, calls me Sweetheart, said how nice it was being cuddled up in bed no sex! He just seems to blow his top at the least provocaton. He is certainly very stressed and depressed at the moment. He got stressed over organizing the concert. He also had a funeral the same day, two weddings the next day, Saturday, and 2 church services on the Sunday he plays the organ in church. I have tried to get him to see the doctor — to no avail. It just goes on and on. He seems to be absolutely crazy.

And where I thought it was only the booze before, I wonder now if there is something else underlying this. Maybe the booze has destroyed part of his brain, or maybe he was always like this. Maybe it is ADHD, which was unheard of when we were young. Either way — he is in a really bad place, and I do not know what to do to help.

I have begged him to let me help him, but he just cannot open up and talk. He went to a boys boarding school, only has a brother, who he does not see now, has no other friends than this woman and her family and a domineerig mother, so I just think he does not know how to be with women.

He is terrified of women — and this woman next door has completely taken over his life. He also says she is an important part of his life, and any girlfriend would need to understand that. It worries me, because his mother is very wealthy and elderly, and I think this woman is just waiting until she dies and he inherits all her money and her beautiful house and furniture. They will, of course, just drink it all away. He is very, very vulnerable.

He is hopeless with money — just does not understand it. He became bankrupt, borrowed client money he could not then pay back, and went to prison for it. He does not seem to understand people. He hates confrontation and will not stand up for himself. It just makes me feel so worried for him and so frustrated that I cannot do anything to help — because she has well and truly got her claws into him and poisoned him against me.

What on earth can I do? I did send an email this morning, and of course, there is still the post. And maybe I should just go and see him. But it is a long-distance relationship and a 3 to 4 hour drive. Have you any thoughts? Has anyone else any thoughts? I hate to leave him to the mercy of this woman. I know his children would be horrified — but they are young 23 nd 25 and do not need to have the worry about their father.

But should I contact them? Do they have a right to know what is going on? Should I contact his ex-wife and ask her advice and let her decide if the children get involved? They are a lovely, lovely family and are getting on with their lives. And after all, I do love him. He usually gets worse in the winter when he sits on his own all day drinking and the weather is not good and the National Trust property he volunteers at is closed.

By the way — I am going for counselling myself shortly, and have signed up to be trained as a telephone counsellor to help family and friends of alcoholics — so maybe out of bad there will come something good. I just feel like curling up in a ball at the moment, and howling. Will it ever end? I hope this is of help to others. PS — He did ring me a couple of weeks ago and say that he thought he should leave the town where he lives and come and stay with me. But he said I did not understand how difficult it is to give up the drink. I said I did, but that he needs help.

I said I would not hold my breath, as I have suggested that now for so long — but that my door would always be open. And I have said that again over the last few days, via email. I said he can even have his own apartment, if he wishes, as I have a large house, and live on my own. So maybe that is still an option. He is trying to cut down on the booze — so that is always a good sign. The biggest issue is anger and neglect. I have to tiptoe around any subject I want to discuss because his emotional trigger is so sensitive. On the other hand, I listen to him get giddy and excited about his male hangout buddies.

If I want to communicate something I think we should work on it ends in a verbal war 8 out of 10 times because he gets defensive. Verbatim, I can really, really relate to what you have said here. See my comments above, about my current situation. Why do we do it? Why do we stick around to be abused in this way? I cannot, honestly, understand it myself. It is like picking a scab. I guess it is because we are caring, giving, loving people who can actually see the whole picture, relate to and understand the other person, and want to try to help in some way.

Most people would just walk away from it all.

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